Change is coming

It’s been a while that I wrote a blog post. I haven’t felt like it, and I don’t think I’m the only one.
The world was one big rollercoaster last year, and this year feels (at the moment) like nothing but an extension of that year. Which is, in a way is fine, because I’m not a huge fan of change. Or changes that I feel like I can’t influence or I didn’t choose myself.
I think some of you know what I’m talking about, and if not, that’s alright. But my most significant change at the moment is that my husband and I are expecting. Which is fantastic, wonderful, supertastic, and so much more. But it’s also challenging. To be honest, I wished someone had told me how hard it could be. Of course, I knew the stories of those who had a shitty pregnancy, of those throwing up all day long. But that was mostly it, the worst things, like having to go to the hospital stories.
But nobody in my surroundings had told me about the boob pain, don’t get me wrong, I love the extra that I’m packing but the pain. Especially in the first few weeks, turning at night and waking up because it feels like they were torn off. It’s not the most fun to experience.
And in my case, the all-day sickness. Yes, I know it’s called morning sickness, but for me, it wasn’t. I was nauseated all day long, from the moment I started to wake up, as I mostly woke up with a rumbling stomach, no matter how much I ate the day before. I just woke up nauseous, hungry, and tired. I managed those weeks with medication; I needed to get food in. Still, I was lucky that I didn’t throw up all day long. I hit a high point at nine weeks and threw up. Then I ended up throwing up a week or two after, the reason, a depression.
I knew I would be sensitive for those; I’ve had depressions before which is why this isn’t something new. But, and yes, there is a big but. With Covid, you can’t go anywhere; you are home. I’m always home as I work from home, but the freedom to go out for lunch, hug your friend and go to a movie to unwind they aren’t there. I’m all good for following the rules, and I keep doing that. I’m not only protecting myself, my little bean. But also my family and friends, and that keeps me going. And the idea that I’m going to throw this colossal party when things are finally so far that we can hug and stand close to 1,5 meters of each other.
But yeah, for some reason, I feel like I missed a memo before I became pregnant. The “It could be shitty” memo. Don’t get me wrong; I’m excited to have a little monster of my husband and me. But the sick days, the sleepless nights, the ADHD and hormone party in my mind are hard. Don’t forget the back pain, my IBS that decides to act up and be painful, or the sneezing that makes my ribs hurt. I know I’m still one of the lucky ones; I’m not throwing up every day throughout the pregnancy. But at the moment, I don’t feel like I’m a lucky person.

What I do know is that it will get better; it is going better. And after we find out the gender in a few days, will it only get better. Because then I can actively find things for the baby room, start planning things and even start searching for names. As an author, names for characters are essential, and always challenging to find the right one. Imagine doing it for a baby. It will be a whole new challenge. But a fun one.

And hopefully, after a few more days of doing all the leftover stuff that I have on my lists, I can find some peace in my mind and write. Get new words on paper and finish a project instead of starting twelve new ones while I stayed in bed for two months. The muse was helpful in starting up, only she’s leaving me hanging for the finishing. Maybe a bottle of alcohol-free wine and a good bar of chocolate will help me with this problem. We’ll see, but do know I’m still here, still ready to write the books!

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